I’ve heard the lines before, coming from a voice somewhere deep down. Often the thought is so subtle, slyly making its way into my mind, that I forget to ask from whence it’s come.
The day takes a bad turn, my kids turn on me, Jason doesn’t turn to me just as I want, friends and family are all turned in other directions, and all the sudden, my whole world seems to have turned against me.
I make the list in my head of all the good turns I’ve taken. All the good I’ve done. All I’ve given. And the thoughts come together and embitter me…
‘I don’t deserve this.’
I don’t deserve this. Do you hear it too? When your world has turned on you, don’t these words give license for you to turn against the world-to let yourself go cold, turn your back, just look out for number one?
And the truth? We don’t deserve this. Don’t deserve a bit of it. Not a ray of sweet sunshine or a drop of cooling rain should touch our heads. But, He gives us these moments-the ones that seem just perfect and the ones as far from perfect as possible. He gives us what we don’t deserve because He received all that we do.
‘You brought me this man as one who was misleading the people. And after examining him before you, behold, I did not find this man guilty of any of your charges against him. Neither did Herod, for he sent him back to us.
Look, NOTHING deserving death has been done by him…’
The life I don’t deserve is one lived under the shadow of Christ’s cross-seeing Him mocked and beaten and suffering separation from His beloved Father- the one who deserved glory with His Father, undeserving of anything less than worship and honor.
But it’s here in this shadow, even in the difficult moments of life that I can silence the sly embittering voice and instead hear Pilate’s-‘NOTHING deserving death has been done by Him.’ Here, when I turn to the cross, my own cross is light and easy and every turn God gives becomes a gift, a turn of grace. And instead of turning inward, He turns me inside out and upside down. Here, at the cross, I slowly turn from looking in and start to look up, turning to give Him a tiny bit of all that He deserves–all my thoughts, all my praise, all my thanks.