Lord, it’s your last commandment that I can’t pretend to keep. This command proves to me my need of you, my need for your forgiveness and your righteousness that kept this great law in my stead.
It’s ridiculous, really. I sit and read your beautiful promises to me-that you’ll never leave me or forsake me, that you have given all that I need in Christ, that you will never change and that you will be my God, mine! But then I stand and look out the window or read updates at the computer. I walk at the park or sit in my row at church. I see her or hear about her or read about her and the feeling comes upon me so suddenly.
I want what she has.
I want her schedule, her conveniences, her figure, her well behaved or attractive or over achieving or super cute children. I want her vacations or her organizational skills, her tight circle of friends, her writing, her fame, her money, her generosity. I want her creativity, her experience, her history, her ability to be in the right place at just the right time.
I want what she has.
I’d never say that out loud, never admit it fully. But isn’t that what I feel, at least a bit, when I think long about the party I wasn’t invited to or look for too many minutes at her pictures or her updates or her lifestyle? When I’m honest, can I honestly say that part of me wants part of her life?
And I have to say it out loud to you Lord, this is sin.
It’s sin because you said it was. It’s sin because it’s not contentment but a form of complaining. It’s sin because it’s not glorifying the Giver but the gift. It’s sin because it’s not gratitude but a grasping.
When I want what she has, Lord, I sin. When I want what she has, I’m telling you I don’t like what you’ve given me.
I’m sorry, Lord. I’m sorry for not believing that you know me better than I know myself. I’m sorry for not trusting your good hand to give me all that’s necessary to conform me-uniquely created me-into the image of your Son, Jesus. I’m sorry for not rejoicing in your perfect plan for me, not loving your will for my life, not seeing your ways as better than my own. I’m sorry for wanting something that’s not mine to have.
I’m sorry for not thanking you for my own schedule and conveniences and figure. I’m sorry for not loving my children (or lack of children) just the way they are. I’m sorry for not being surprised and astounded each time I get a vacation or a new friend, an ability to write thoughts down or be known by anyone. I’m sorry for paying for groceries or giving a bit away without thinking twice about the miracle of even the smallest provisions.
I’m sorry for wanting something you’ve given someone else instead of thanking you for all that you’ve given me.
But instead of letting me despair here at the long list of commandments I’ve not kept, turn my eyes to the One who kept them all, all of His days. I look here in my sorrow to Christ who was happy and content and thankful. I look to Christ who loved your will more than his own life. I look to Christ who happily received all you gave and never longed to be what He was not. I look to Christ who resisted the devil’s temptation for power, who refused to take the high seat, who associated himself with the lowly, the poor and the destitute. I look to Christ who did not concern himself with pleasing men, who had no place to lay His head, who was happy to live HIS UNIQUE, GOD-ORDAINED LIFE even when He had not one thing, not even Your presence.
I look to Christ and finally it feels okay to say it.
I want what He has.
Would you grant it Lord? Would you give me Christ’s joyful acceptance of your will, His joy in living the life you gave Him, His ability to see all that his neighbor was and had and enjoyed and to never, not once want it for Himself? Would you give me Christ’s power to keep the last commandment?
60 Days of Prayer
If you’ve made it to the end of this prayer, would you keep praying for one more moment and ask the Lord to grant Christ to the people of Moldova?
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