What I Really Really Want

This is another guest post from Amy.  If you haven’t been following, check out Amy’s previous posts-here.  She’s a strong woman who’s battling cancer and learning from Jesus through the process.  Sit with her as she tells you about what she really really wants these days.

Not sure if you’re into the Spice Girls.  Even if you are (or were) you probably won’t admit it.  So, let me just tell you that they have a song where one of the spices is just screaming, ‘Tell me what you want, what you really really want,’ over and over again.  Now, I have never paid  attention to the lyrics to know the deep and profound meaning for this song (insert joke light).  But, to me,  the song is confusing.  There’s a difference between ‘what I want’ and ‘what I really really want.’ The answer to both questions is not the same for me.

What I Want

For most of my teenage and young adult life, I’ve been telling God what I want and the short list of big things has looked a lot like this:

• I want to get married
• I want children
• I want to serve in the mission field more
• I want to serve in the church more
• I want to be a writer and speaker that provides encouragement and truth for others

And I haven’t just been telling God what I want, I’ve been trying to do my part, of course, and work my way towards these ambitions.  I have lived a lot of my life in constant state of fear, panic, and anxiety about not getting everything done in life. I’ve always been eager to more quickly arrive at the next step in life. I’m like the boy in the Giving Tree, always looking towards and preparing for the next big thing, or the next next big thing, or the next next next big thing.

What I Really Really Want

If you’ve been reading my story over the weeks here,  you know I was headed to the doctor a while back because of some nasty bruises.  My test results that came back last week were not very good. After leaving the hospital with a heavy heart, I started to think about what I really really want.

I was hit by the hard truth that I may not have fifty more years, maybe not ten, or maybe not even two. And the little time I do have might be overshadowed with treatments, sickness, and exhaustion. So figuring out what I REALLY REALLYwant and how to realistically get there in the time, space, and ability I have is really important. And so, I made a new list of what I really really want. It looks something like this:

• I want to be kind
• I want to be loving
• I want to be generous
• I want to be humble
• I want to be compassionate
• I want to be gentle
• I want to be patient
• I want to be pure
• I want to be devoted
• I want to be wise
• I want to be faithful
• I want to be hopeful

The Other 364 Days a Year

This really really want list has often been overshadowed by the ‘I wants’ of life-Big Days that I’ve been living for. You know, the ‘I’ll remember this day for the rest of my life’ kind of days.  I’ve been longing for landmark days like births, weddings, anniversaries, graduations and big trips.

But I’ve been forgetting about the other 364 days each year. The majority of life is not full of landmark days but I’m starting to realize that these everyday days are more important.

Matthew 25:21 says, “His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’  Read more about this verse here.

I’m realizing that the way I live life on the mundane days will determine my true character and the depth of my relationship with my Savior. But, this everyday living is not glamorous. Sometimes it means being patient with the woman in front of you with five hundred groceries when you only have three. Or maybe it means sitting with a friend while her world is falling apart, praying when you’re out of words, asking for help when you need it, or loving the unlovable.

Maybe Not all ‘I Want’

These days, I’m facing my fears head on. The to do lists are harder to do.  And I’m realizing I may not get all I want.

• I may not make it out of the U.S. on mission again
• I may not hold an official position in my church
• I may not ever hold a bouquet and walk down the aisle in a white dress

Clinging to ‘What I Really Really Want’

But, in the midst of this challenge, I realize that I may just get what I really really want. God is using these particular circumstances to build the joy, the generosity, the humility, the compassion that I long for.  Sure, He could choose to teach these lessons to me through motherhood, marriage, and mission trips…but the classroom for me at present is this persistent cancer that won’t seem to go away.

It would be a shame to get all I want but miss out on what I really really want. And so, I’m going to fully give myself to these mundane, non-landmark type days and to the people that are currently in my life.  And all the while, I’m going to whisper prayers of trust and hope (and sometimes sing loud Spice Girl songs) and ask my heavenly Father for all I really really want.

How about you?  What classroom does God currently have you in-where is He bringing the things that you really really want into your life?

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